


Single Steps

by KristinaLaine



Series: Ascension [2]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Episode Tag, Episode: s05e22 Revelations, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Post Episode: s05e21 Meridian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-28 15:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2737088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KristinaLaine/pseuds/KristinaLaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack's feelings about his first mission in the wake of tragic loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Single Steps

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally written back in 2004 and posted on several different archives. I am posting it here as a way to consolidate all of my works (past, present and future) into a single archive.

"What's the score?" Jack asked as he plopped down on the couch next to Daniel.

"Canucks up by one with a minute left in the game."

"Yes!"

"Jack?"

"Yes, Daniel?"

"We should have done this more often."

"We should have," Jack said taking a sip of his beer. "And we will."

"No, we won't."

"Don't be so fatalistic Daniel."

"I don't really think I have much of a choice in the matter."

"There's always a choice Daniel."

"True."

 "You chose to come here. Its up to you how long you stay."

 "As much as I want to, I don't really think that I can stay."

 "Too bad, I was gonna call Carter and Teal'c. See if the midget mud wrestling is still happening

down at the arena."

Daniel smiled softly at Jack, trying desperately it looked not to cry.

"I'm really gonna miss this."

"Can you at least wait until the game's over?" Jack said staring straight ahead at the game.

"Sure, Jack."

Within the blink of an eye, Jack O'Neill had awoken. Ever since he had put his head down on that first night he couldn't get Daniel out of his mind.

The last few days had been a blur. He wasn't certain how he had gotten to bed on that first night. He remembered getting down off of the ladder but little else. He woke up the day after with dozens of messages, most of which were from Carter crying her eyes out and wanting to talk. There was one from Teal'c but he had suspected that Carter put him up to it. The rest of his activities mashed together into one collective vice that did nothing more than weigh him down inside.

Jack felt numb. It was just like it felt in the aftermath of Charlie's death. He was going thru the motions but not really there. He got up but he didn't feel awake. He ate, but it didn't satisfy his hunger. He felt like the one who was dead instead of Daniel.

_Daniel was dead._

For the first few hours after it had happened he found that he couldn't say it. He didn't even want to think about it. When he returned to the SGC on that third day he didn't even want to acknowledge it. No memorial service, no funeral, no mourning for Daniel. He just wanted to go about like nothing had happened. Although as disparaged as he was by Daniel's passing, to stop and grieve for him would be impossible. How was he supposed to let go of someone who had been a part of his life for so long? Someone who meant more to him than anyone else in the world. It was hard for anyone to really understand what it was he was going thru. Sure, all of SG-1 had been close to Daniel. However none of them was at the same level with him as Jack was. None of them would mourn him the way that Jack did.

As he walked down the corridors the day that he returned to the SGC, he could see the looks in the eyes of the people who walked past him. They knew. They felt for his loss. Yet they were somehow reluctant to approach him. Which was at least one blessing. Walking into General Hammond's office and seeing the look on his face was another.

"Do you still want to this?"

"Yes, General. Its the only way. We need to keep going. Keep moving. Its the best for all of us."

 "What about funeral arraignments?"

"There won't be any, sir."

"You don't want a service for Dr. Jackson?"

"For all intents purposes, sir. We're not exactly sure if he's dead. I mean yeah, he did that whole ascension thing but I don't know the first thing about it. Besides, I don't think it will be good for the team."

"How so?"

"Daniel meant alot to us General."

"To me as well."

"My point is sir, if we dwelled on it for too long, I don't think we could function. Daniel would want SG-1 to live on and I want to honor that."

 "As you wish Colonel," Hammond said with an understanding smile.

 "Could you do me a favor, sir?"

"Name it Colonel."

 Jack hesitated a moment before he spoke, "Do you think you would mind telling the rest of SG-1. I know as their Colonel, its my job, but right now there is someplace I need to be and I would rather when they report this morning, they be the first to know."

"Understood."

 Jack nodded and walked out of the General's door. He walked solemnly down the halls on his way towards the infirmary. He felt compelled when he walked into the compound to head there. Almost as if he was half-suspecting Daniel to be sitting in the bed giving Fraiser a hard time. He stopped dead in his tracks when he reached his destination. He knew that it was kinda morbid to be drawn back to the place where your best friend died but for Jack it brought some kind of level of comfort.

"I knew you would be back here."

Jack turned to see Janet Fraiser standing behind him. Doc always knew her patients better than they knew themselves. However, he asked her anyway.

"How did you know?"

 "Because I know you. I know how much Daniel meant to you," she with a sympathetic smile. "I did my best to keep it unoccupied today. I figure you would want to come back here."

"That doesn't make me at all morbid?"

"Not in the least. Family members often visit the places where their loved ones passed on. It helps give them a kinda closure. Or at least a start towards it."

"Just so you know, I talked with Hammond. We aren't going to have any kind of service for Daniel and SG-1 will remain on active duty."

 Janet said nothing at first. It looked as if she was about to protest. However that was quickly turned into an understanding nod.

 "I think that might be for the best."

Jack walked silently inside the observation room. Stopping just before he reached the bed.

 "I'll give you some time alone Colonel."

"Thanks. . . Janet."

"Don't mention it."

As soon as Fraiser had left Jack found himself staring at the cold piece of furniture in front of him. Two days earlier Daniel had been laying there. Gravely injured, but breathing. Alive. Now Daniel was god knows where. Doing god knows what. Jack walked over towards the bed where Daniel had been laying and plopped himself on top of it. Before he knew it, he began talking.

"I don't normally do this, and I know that it probably makes me nuts or something but there was a few things that was left unsaid between us," he murmured as if he were actually talking to Daniel. "The first time I saw you, I thought you were this big geek. And you were. However there was something about you. I wasn't sure what it was but I knew I'd like you. I know that I didn't act like it but I wasn't exactly in a state of mind to make friends. Then with all that happened, it was hard not to. You gave me a reason to live again. I never really thanked you for that. To be honest, I never really thanked you for alot of things that you did for me. . . "

Jack's words trailed off as he realized that he was beginning to be overcome with emotion.  _Stop it!_ He told himself.  _Pull yourself together. This will do you no good._  Taking a deep breath, Jack plopped off the bed and walked out of the infirmary. He wanted to get to his office, and the sooner the better. It was just then he heard the alarm raised and that all too familiar phrase.

_Unauthorized off-world activation._

Jack did an about face and headed towards the gateroom. He needed a distraction right now and whatever the incident, he was up to kick some kind of alien butt right now. As he rounded the corner, he ran into Teal'c who looked strangely upset.

"I just wanted you to know O'Neill that I have just spoken with General Hammond," he said as they continued to walk towards the gateroom. "I understand."

 Nothing more was said between them as they continued walking. Teal'c was a warrior. If anyone understood what was running thru his mind, it was him. When they had gotten to the gateroom, Carter and Hammond were already there and Freyr was standing on the ramp. So they would be dealing with Replicators. Although he had wanted something Goa'uldish, kicking those metallic tribbles spidery asses would be just as good.

"If, as you say, this android was responsible for creating the first generation of Replicators, it may well prove invaluable. However, it is not the only reason I have come. There has been an incident with the Goa'uld."

Ah, so it was the Goa'uld.

 "An incident?" He asked curious about what they would be dealing with.

Freyr looked at him with that non-emotional Asgard face, "Commander Thor has been killed."

It was as if someone had punched Jack in the gut.  _Thor? Dead? Thor and Daniel? Dead_. So much was running thru his mind. So much that he wanted to say, but didn't know how to say it. Thankfully, Carter did.

"Killed? How?"

"The Goa'uld attacked a planet under our protection and Commander Thor was dispatched with the only ship available. We expected the Goa'uld to retreat once we made our presence felt. They did not. The Asgard ship was destroyed in the ensuing battle."

 "Is not the Asgard military technology far superior to that of the Goa'uld?"

"Their new shields are more advanced than we first believed and it appears they have upgraded their weapons as well. We can no longer be confident of victory when dealing with superior numbers."

Jack stood there letting it all sink in. Pulling himself together, he focused on the situation at hand.

"So in other words the protected planets are no longer protected?"

"Including Earth."

Way to state the obvious Carter. Jack heard Freyr explain about the Replicators and something about rescuing a scientist. Hammond was skeptical and Carter not wanting to do it but this was just the kind of mission Jack need right now. Something bold and dangerous. Something that he could just lose himself in.

"We'll do it," he said followed by piercing glances from everyone, especially Carter. From the way she was looking, she could guess that Hammond had told her. "Its what we do. Isn't it?"

 "The research being conducted on this planet is vital to the future of the Asgard. We would be forever in your debt."

 Hammond gave a look to O'Neill who nodded at him reassuringly. "Then you have a go."

 "Good," Jack replied as he turned and left the gateroom.

 As he made his way down the hall, he spotted Carter out of the corner of his eye. She was running to try and keep up, looking desperately like she wanted to talk. He sped up his pace hoping that she would get the point and just leave him alone. However that wasn't going to happen.

"Colonel," she said catching up to him. "We need to talk."

 "I don't want to hear this, Carter."

  _Don't do this Carter._

"You can't pretend this didn't happen."

_It’s the only way that I can deal with it._

 "I'm not pretending anything. This is the job," he replied coldly. "We lose people all the time."

"We're talking about Daniel."

_I know that Carter. That's the whole point._

"What do you want me to do?" Jack asked trying to hold back his emotions. He's gone. We've got work to do."

 That last sentence stopped Carter from following him. She turned around and walked away. Probably to talk to Teal'c. As Jack entered the locker room, he could see that Daniel's things were still in his locker. With a sigh he sat down where he had just three days earlier. He knew he was doing the right thing. The only thing that he could do. Daniel had gone above and beyond for him in times that he needed it. And when the time came for Jack to do the same thing, he came up empty. He had failed Daniel miserably. He couldn't even say good-bye to him like he should of. I admire you. What the hell was that? Six years of friendship and that is all he could say to his friend on his death bed. Carter didn't get it. Teal'c kinda understood. Jack had to keep going, to keep living. He had to. All because one day, in a galaxy far, far away a geeky archaeologist taught him to live again. He wasn't going to stop now. Jack got up and put on his gear. When he was finished he walked back over to Daniel's locker. His eyes now fixated on the remnants of a brilliant man whose amazing life was tragically cut short. Of a man whose legacy he would continue by continuing living. With a sigh Jack turned and headed out the door. It would be a long while before things could be okay again but Jack knew that this mission would be a good step in the right direction. It was alot like this quote that some Chinese philosopher used and that Daniel would quote often.

_The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step._

And, as Jack would add, the first is always the hardest.


End file.
